Emotional Bubble

 

I've been in a (for lack of a better word) weird, "emotional" bubble the past few weeks, perhaps longer. Unless there has been a dire need or longing to communicate with loved ones, I have been wanting to be left alone, but I don't know - something feels different this time; it's one of those moods where I don't want to be bothered by a single soul - not by text, phone call, DM (which reminds me of how very much I loathe Instagram's DM feature. I have made the conscious decision to pretend it no longer exists).  

Speaking of social media, one reason I have always enjoyed Twitter (for the most part) is the fact that I can literally post a tweet or a photo, and close the app. There is no obligation to chat back and forth with people if I'm just not feeling it. I'm also not bombarded with 20+ DMs a day, because why would anyone want to do that in the first place?? I think that has always been the beauty of it, for me. But currently, I am feeling exceedingly overwhelmed; I'm at my capacity with social media as a whole, small talk in the form of text messaging, news outlets with nothing but depressing headlines, racial injustice, negativity and hate spewing from all angles of the internet, and work-life balance, and I would just like a moment to breathe - ALONE. Sensory overload is real, and social media only exacerbates it. This is the primary reason I have never been able to follow a lot of people on social media. It's just too much information to absorb, not even including the barrage of posts and unfunny memes sent to my inbox - content that I have absolutely no interest in. It becomes too much. 

I want to be in stillness with my own thoughts, which also means I want to make a conscious effort to not burden others when I am experiencing bouts of frustration, because perhaps they, too, are feeling overwhelmed with life. My best friend of almost 40 years has been one of the few people I have still been able to authentically connect with in recent weeks because all of our phone conversations are very purposeful and made with intention; there is never any small talk. We don’t talk on a consistent basis, so when we do, it’s special. She's going through a huge transition in her life, and I've been her sounding board. It feels good to bond with her right now. Side note: Introverts (and people like my best friend who strongly dislikes talking on the phone in general) HATE small talk, so getting straight to the point has always been our thing. 

With a few exceptions, I've been having a really difficult time genuinely engaging with the world outside of my own inner thoughts. Full transparency, I just don't want to be bothered...right now. It's nothing personal. And it's also temporary. This too shall pass. But, most times, it's kind of tough for empaths to express to loved ones that they need uninterrupted time to just be. You just need to navigate through that in the most comfortable way you know how, and that's okay.

I am craving some form of an escape - a vacation, some time away from reality. I don't need much. Honestly, three or four full days is the perfect amount of time for a solo getaway. I've been contemplating going to a wellness retreat, but then I start thinking about all the things I could do with the money instead, like, pay off a credit card, or keep it in my bank account in case of an emergency. Thoughts like these are the reason life is a gamble, and you just need to LIVE it because things could turn great or shitty in an instant, or never at all. My anxiety won't allow me to realistically think that way though. I'm always worried about the "what ifs." I'm still also concerned about COVID, so traveling is not something I am desperate to do right now. So I guess I need to try and cultivate some peace right here in Ohio until I feel comfortable getting my ass on an airplane.

Circling back to my I'd like to be left alone with my thoughts for a while bit, I need to work on not becoming so agitated with simple things. My nervous system is a wreck, and has been for some years now, and I don't know what it will take for me to not feel so anxious and irritated by every little thing. Weed, perhaps? I've never smoked weed by the way. Let me rephrase that; I've never properly smoked weed, meaning, I've never gotten high before. I'm starting to feel like I may need to give it a go, you know, to knock the edge off. The people say it is an awesome stress reliever. I've just been feeling everything on such an intense level these past few weeks, and I don't think it has anything to do with the pandemic. That plays a part, but honestly, I was built for this quarantine life. I've always been a homebody and I LOVE my own company, so it's not that. It's everything else that comes along with it, like trying to make space for others in my life, and how they are dealing with it. I want to be present for those I care for, but I can't give them the best version of myself if I am not given the space and time to recharge the way I see fit.

I no longer want to feel guilty for putting my needs and wants first. I also no longer want to be so instantly accessible, especially when I'm encased in my emotional bubble. Sometimes, I like being in there. It's safe.

I'm always thinking about how others will feel if I say this, or do that, and honey, that's no way to live. But because of who I am at the core, being stern in certain areas of my life is a lot easier said than done. But, I'm almost there. I've evolved so much over the years, and the evolution don't stop.